It’s crazy how quickly one choice can alter your life forever. How one decision, no matter how big or small can have an impact on your forever.
Looking back a year from today I was in what feels like a whole other world. A world where I was engaged, living in North Dakota, far from my friends and family. And not far from then a decision was made. My life was changed. And this January it will be one year since I have been living back in Arizona. One choice and life forever changed.
Sometimes we have choices that we don’t want to make. Or maybe ones you have dreamt of doing but are afraid what will come next. I can say I have felt that way. Stuck and alone, even though I knew friends and family would support me…I still felt alone. Maybe because it was really only me that could make this choice. It wasn’t up to anyone else. This wasn’t something anyone could weigh in on. It was mine to make and it needed to happen.
Many of you didn’t know I have been back in Arizona. Maybe because I don’t talk much about my decision. But today, I felt like sharing a little more.
I have always believed that we are directed into situations for particular reasons. Reasons that put us on our forever path God has laid out for us. Sometimes I think others lose sight of that and think that the situation they are in is a punishment of some kind. But really, we all need to go through the dark to see and be grateful for the light.
When Nick had his accident with his hand in March of 2017, I was hit hard. I was questioning my faith, life, everything. I already had some issues with happiness in my life at that point; I was lost you could say. So when this accident happened it felt like my world blew up. I had finally lost control, but yet was in the most control in hiding my emotions. At that time, I didn’t think anything should be about me. It was about being there for him and I came last. I was okay with that. For then.
As the months went on, I felt my world crumbling piece by piece. It was getting harder to hold it together. To show the world I was okay. But deep down I had a calling. (side note…I grew up going to a Christian church, but stopped going in college all together and hadn’t really thought of it much) At this moment though, when all felt like it was crashing down..I had a calling. A deep urge and push to go to church.
As I stood in the pews during worship my heart started to crumble. With a deep ache starting at the center and pushing out, bursting at the seems. My heart was breaking and trying to come back together at the same time. Tears would pour down my face as the voices around me sung the songs of praise. This is where I needed to be.
I continued to go to church — it was the only place I felt a true vivid connection. During this time I also started to attend counseling to understand my emotions. For someone who was so against seeking help for things like this, I soon realized why it is a necessity at times. It was a good outlet for a while, but there was still apart of me that felt broken. I had tried everything I could think of to piece my life together and it always resulted in feeling like something was missing.
On the first Friday morning in January of 2018, I called my parents. I was scared to death. I had no idea what I was really doing, but I felt this feeling when I woke up that morning that was so strong. An intensity I haven’t felt before. Pushing me to make a decision. To pick up the phone…call home…and cry for help. No one had truly known how I was feeling while living in North Dakota. I really didn’t want people to know. But now I saw my choices clearly.
That following Monday morning my mom flew into Bismarck. We picked up a moving truck and by noon we were on the road to Arizona.
Some may have bitter feelings about my decision. It wasn’t an easy one to make. But sometimes you need to put yourself first. Sometimes you need to be the one to make the choices for yourself. To envision each outlook and feel deep down which is right for you.
I did not imagine being back in Arizona so quickly. It was a surprise for me as well. But I can honestly say it was the best decision I have made and if I had the choice again, I would make the same one.
Life isn’t about pleasing others. It’s about loving yourself through and through. If that means you need to make a tough choice here and there…then do it. And always remember it was for you, so you can be the best you.
If you would like to hear how the rest of my 2018 went, take a look HERE.